Some of the worst advice I ever received (and for a while, believed) was given to me by nurses in the hospital.

I had given birth to a healthy baby boy at around midnight; at four thirty in the morning I was finally being taken to my room. When the nurse came to bring me my son and to help me learn to breastfeed, she launched into a long, scolding speech about not letting the baby use me as a pacifier. My poor, new-mother brain had just given birth; it was trying to learn how to breastfeed; and now, it had to file away this “don’t be a pacifier” advice.

Becoming a mother came with a whirlwind of advice: from nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, family, friends, co-workers. I hung on every word so I would do the “right” thing. There were warnings to never give formula, encouragements to supplement with formula; to let the baby cry, to always respond to his whimpers. My mind raced in circles trying to follow what everyone was telling me to do.

Continue reading "I am a Mother" »

Posted by Jessica McCoy at 10:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I hope to get married some day to a good man, have children, and then live happily ever after. This dream may not sound like I'm a liberated woman. I am, but I also want a life-long partner with whom to share my goals and successes. And I want children so I can introduce them to all the good things in life.

Right now I'm building a career, so marriage isn't even a consideration at this time. But that hasn't stopped me in my search for a good man. After all, I just might have to go through a dozen or more men before "Mr. Right" comes along—and this might take me some time.

Continue reading "A Good Man But!" »

Posted by Emily Prysby at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Never, ever get in between your girlfriend and her boyfriend. I know this—and this knowledge has come with much pain—but I haven’t learned to stop getting in the middle.

In high school, a girlfriend asked me to tell her what I thought of her boyfriend. She pleaded with me to be honest. I told her I wouldn’t like him for a boyfriend myself, because he wasn’t my type. I thought this would end the conversation. But no, she needed to know why he wasn’t my type. I wanted to tell her he was a jerk, but I knew better. So I told her he was, in my opinion, too selfish. That set off fireworks and she stopped talking to me. You have to keep your mouth shut, I told myself. A month later, after she broke up with her boyfriend “because he was too selfish,” she began talking to me again.

Continue reading "A Lose, Lose Situation" »

Posted by Emily Prysby at 10:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

We were at grandma’s house. My three children were playing outside. I was in the kitchen helping to prepare dinner. Then I heard grandma scolding my children. “You can’t sit on the steps. They’re concrete,” she told them. I rushed to the door and told my husband’s petite mom that it was okay for the kids to sit on the steps. “If they do,” she said, “they might get hemorrhoids!” She added that everyone knows you get hemorrhoids from sitting on concrete. She’s kidding, I thought. But I was wrong. She was serious.

Continue reading "Old Wives’ Tales: Some Have Value!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 08:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I am pleased to introduce our first guest writer, Jessica McCoy. Jessica writes about life with her two kids, Jack and Sarah, on Mother Bunny. Today's post made me laugh out loud! Hope it does the same for you.

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 08:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

We had just settled into our new house. Most of what we needed had been unpacked, with a bunch of half-emptied boxes still sitting around. Many of these had gotten shoved into the dining room where they wouldn’t be underfoot. As the rest of the house shaped up into usable rooms, my husband and I kept saying we ought to move all the boxes to the basement and out of the way. One Saturday afternoon, while my husband sat watching a cooking show with our two children, I decided it was time the boxes were moved.

Continue reading "No Mind Reading" »

Posted by Jessica McCoy at 08:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

Based on all the diet ads in magazines, I should have worn a size “-24”—that’s a “minus 24”—when I lost 170 pounds, and I should have achieved this amazing size and weight loss in less than a year! But I didn’t. It took me three years to lose the weight and I went from a size 24 women’s to a size 14 misses. That’s only five dress sizes for all that weight! In a recent ad for one of the major diet programs, “Amy C.” lost 33 pounds and went from a size 12 to a size 2. That’s five dress sizes, too! What did I do wrong?

Continue reading "Results Not Typical!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 07:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

The reason women are paid less than men for the same work is that women are less likely to ask for a raise. Listen, if I have two people performing at the same impressive level, and one asks me for a promotion every six months, guess who gets to advance more quickly? The one who gets in my face, of course. In my experience, men ask for more, so men get more.

This is the story I heard from a bigwig in my field during a professional development seminar in my last week of graduate school. I promised myself at that moment eight years ago that I would learn to ask for raises, but it has taken a long time to develop the techniques that produce the desired results.

Continue reading "Asking for a Raise" »

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 07:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

The powers-that-be, whoever they are, say that if we don’t have any expectations, we won’t be disappointed. I understand the reasoning behind this, but I it’s been hard for me to learn to use this advice.

Continue reading "Expect To Be Disappointed" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 03:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

November brings my birthday; December, Christmas. These special days are a big deal for me, but they have never been for my husband. I know this because of the “great” gifts that he has given me over the years. His presents aren’t usually anything I want or anything I’ve requested. My birthday gift is something he can find in the hardware store—well, maybe I’m exaggerating, but not by much. And for Christmas, whatever is left at the mall after 12 noon on Christmas Eve finds its way under the tree with my name on it. Luckily, I have grown children. They do a better job of making special occasions special!

Continue reading "All I Want is..." »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 08:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Today we introduce our first featured contributor, Emily Prysby. Emily is a recent college graduate who has a few life lessons to share about landing her first job. Keep your eyes peeled for Emily’s upcoming entries, including a piece that she and her mother, staff writer Sandra, are working on together.

One housekeeping note: we are receiving some wonderful submissions and are going through them now. If you are interested in writing for us, check our updated submission guidelines.

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 07:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I’m new at learning things the hard way. However, I’m rapidly gaining the knowledge that life isn’t as easy as I thought it would be, especially with regards to beginning my professional career.

I’ve been out of college for a year and it has taken me more than 12 months to find employment. I thought finding a job in my field of study—communications—would be easy. I have a college degree and a good resume, which lists three internships in marketing/public relations. I figured I was go to go! Then the economy took a nosedive, and jobs along with it. To make matters worse, Michigan’s unemployment rate is the highest in the nation and this is where I wanted to work.

Continue reading "What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?" »

Posted by at 07:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

Breaking up is hard to do with anyone, but especially with a friend. When romance leaves a relationship, and life together is no longer meaningful or fun, couples often separate. This is not always the case with friendships. Breaking up with a friend, especially one who has been in your life for years, is one of the most difficult tasks to handle. The guilt is often too immense.

Continue reading "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 08:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

When I was a teenager, it was easy. Two dollars on Revolon’s Cherries in the Snow, a half glance in the rearview mirror, a quick application, and I was off. In my early twenties, Lancome’s Matte Royale was my color of choice. The dark wine was a nice compliment to my buzz cut and combat boots. But the color would have looked good with anything because I was a kid!

Continue reading "Wearing Red Lipstick" »

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 05:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

We need to drink water to lose weight? I heard this for years but I continued to consume my six to eight cans of diet cola and forget the water. (Maybe I forgot because my stomach was so full of all the liquid from the soda pop!) Then I got serious about weight loss and decided I’d give water—that’s eight 8 oz. glasses a day—a try. Oh my gosh! This works! (If I learned this years ago, my weight-loss challenge would have been less of a battle and I would have reached success sooner!)

Continue reading "Water, Water, Water!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 11:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

It nearly happed again today. A colleague told me that he thought I was doing a wonderful job. “I don’t know how you do it, Carrie,” he said. My brain began to race to find a funny, self-mocking apology for my success.

Continue reading "Apologizing for Success" »

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 11:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Lots of candles. Soft lights. These are the ingredients that can help create a mood, especially for a night of romance. But forget romance! At my age and after 29 years of marriage, mood lighting wouldn’t help unless both my husband and I agree to a little romance and both of us are in a sexy mood, which doesn’t happen often! About the only time I need mood lighting is when I entertain. I need the dim lighting to disguise all those spots that my cleaning tools didn’t reach.

Continue reading "Mood Lighting Works" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 05:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

When my husband and I moved in together, we had little furniture, and needed to decorate our Murray Hill apartment from scratch. We both love mid-century modern style, so we turned to eBay and the Chelsea Flea Market.

After four years of collecting, we have some beautiful stuff: a long, teak, room-dividing credenza that holds tons of stuff, a Haywood Wakefield coffee table, and the little mod writing desk that holds my Mac. But we also made some mistakes. The result is a place that looks too much like a museum to moderne and not enough like a home. So here are some living-with-vintage furniture tips that I learned the hard way.

Continue reading "Living with Vintage Furniture" »

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 11:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Things I Learned the Hard Way is a place where women can share life lessons about home, family, friendship and work. The site is only as valuable as its community of readers, who share their experiences with us through comments and essays.

Feel free to ask for some advice or to share a story.

Asking for Advice

Write For Us

• Going back to work after kids
• Avoiding or coping with date rape
• Asking for and getting a raise
• Enjoying the holidays
• Finding clothing that fits

If you have learned a life lesson the hard way on this or any other topic, please submit your story for consideration.

Continue reading "Write for Us" »

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 05:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

“So what’s it like being a grandma?”… “Don’t you just love being a grandma?” These questions came soon after the arrival of Charlotte Christine, my first grandchild, nine months ago. I didn’t know the answers then, and I’m still a novice when it comes to this grandma thing! But, I’m learning.

Little Charlotte arrived as a skinny little thing with a bruised head—the latter from hours of pushing by her mother. After her parents, I was the next to hold her. When I looked at the babe in my arms, my first thought was, Here’s the next generation! While I was trying to adjust to this overwhelming reality, I returned her to her mother’s arms. At that moment, the second, and most powerful, truth hit me. My daughter, my baby, was a mother! Forget this grandma thing. It didn’t even enter my thoughts on that special day!

Continue reading "Grandma!!?" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 03:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Sometimes, as parents, our priorities go askew. We crave for our children “to be the best” when our goal for them should be “to do their best.” I know from personal experience that the first “best” is more often than not unattainable. I learned, however, that the second is not only possible, but the tool that will help our children gain self-esteem.

When my son was a toddler, I wanted everyone to think that he was such an exceptional little human being that no other toddler could compare to him. This is what the other mothers wanted, so why not me? It was like there was a gigantic contest going on as to who had “the best…the brightest…the most advanced” child ever. Forget all the special qualities of each toddler. These were overlooked if the child wasn’t the best.

Continue reading "His Personal Best" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

“You had better watch out for the younger women in the company, because they will eat you alive!”

This was the friendly advice my former boss gave me recently over a nice cup of tea. He was trying to rattle me, and he did to an extent, but he also gave me the answer to a question that has been troubling me for years: why do my female colleagues still want to pull up the ladder?

Continue reading "Pulling Up the Ladder" »

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 09:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

There are so many things that I have learned the hard way, but nothing compares to a recent experience that taught me you never get something for nothing. There’s always a price to pay.

I needed a way to make a little extra money. I was going on a kayak trip with 15 other women and, although my husband has never prohibited my spending, I thought that it would be nice if I contributed to the expense of this trip. But how? Then it came to me. I could do what my friend does when she needs money. She uses her body and I could, too!

Continue reading "What A Way To Make Money!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 12:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I believe in miracles, and, because I do, they happen often in my life. Like many, for years I used the word “coincidence” to explain amazing happenings. I discovered, however, that there is little joy in coincidences. This is because they just are a fact of life. But miracles…now those are something else! Once I learned that they exist and are the work of my heavenly father, I became a whole lot happier.

To help you believe that miracles can and do occur everyday—you just have to recognize them—I will share some of the miracles in my life periodically here on the Hard Way.

One happened on July 31, 2004, on my daughter’s wedding day.

Continue reading "Everyday Miracles" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 12:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Ten summers ago, when I was living in the former parlor of converted mansion on Division Street in Ann Arbor, a small reddish-brown bat got stuck in my bedroom just around dusk.

As the critter circled the room's ionosphere, hugging the flaking cathedral ceilings and occasionally landing atop my threadbare damask curtains, my housemates and I considered our options from the safety of the hallway outside my room.

Continue reading "How to Get Bats Out of Your House" »

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 08:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I decided that I would participate in a university study on memory loss and aging, but I keep forgetting to call. Oh well! I’ll have to remember to put it on my to-do list for tomorrow. Let’s just hope I don’t forget where I put the list.

Forgetting things isn’t just an advancing age thing. If I could remember all the things I have forgotten over the years, my life would have progressed far more smoothly. But that was yesterday. I am trying to do better and my to-do list has been a big help…that and my daily planner. (My to-do list and planner should be one-and-the-same, but I keep forgetting that I have one or the other!)

Continue reading "Oops!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 03:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Don’t you just love Halloween and the bag of sweet goodies that the kids bring home? And don’t you love to load up on treats to pass out to all the little beggars that come to the door? I know I did when my three kids were young.

After passing out candy at the door—one for each costumed child; one for me—the first thing my children did when their dad brought them home from trick-or-treating was to pour their bags into large bowls so we could all survey the treasures. They picked their favorite candy and stuffed a couple into their mouths (after I checked to make sure it was safe) and I selected mine and stuffed it into my mouth. They each had one bowl from which to choose; I had three!

Continue reading "Halloween Horrors!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 08:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Shortly after my 50th birthday, it arrived! Like others before me—some still recovering from their big 5-0 celebrations—I got the invitation to join the AARP. For you youngsters, AARP stands for American Association of Retired Persons. Boy…did I feel old when this envelope arrived! I already knew that I had entered middle age, but, really, was I supposed to retire from life now? Was I really that old?

After a few days of mild depression, I threw out the AARP application and proceeded with my busy life. I had three children—ages 11, 13 and 15—to raise to adulthood. This would take me another 10 years or so. I didn’t have time to give in to any feelings of old age. Besides, I was on the verge of publishing my first book, by Doubleday, no less. I had to get ready for my television appearances and book signings. I was hardly a “retired” person.

Continue reading "And I Thought 50 Was Bad!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 09:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)