A Lose, Lose Situation
Never, ever get in between your girlfriend and her boyfriend. I know this—and this knowledge has come with much pain—but I haven’t learned to stop getting in the middle.
In high school, a girlfriend asked me to tell her what I thought of her boyfriend. She pleaded with me to be honest. I told her I wouldn’t like him for a boyfriend myself, because he wasn’t my type. I thought this would end the conversation. But no, she needed to know why he wasn’t my type. I wanted to tell her he was a jerk, but I knew better. So I told her he was, in my opinion, too selfish. That set off fireworks and she stopped talking to me. You have to keep your mouth shut, I told myself. A month later, after she broke up with her boyfriend “because he was too selfish,” she began talking to me again.
In college, in my sorority house, offering opinions on boyfriends was a normal happening, especially after a few beers. One night, I opened my mouth again. After she begged for my opinion, I told one of my sorority sisters exactly what I thought of her boyfriend. Unfortunately, she hadn’t had a couple of beers and took in every word I said. Another cold shoulder and another few weeks of silence until, she, too, broke up with this undesirable guy. Okay, Emily! You know better! I obviously didn’t!
Now I’m all grown up. I’m 23 years old and have begun my career. I even have a college degree that says I’m smart or, at least, should be.
But I’m not. I guess what I am is far too honest.
Another friend was analyzing her new relationship with a guy she met at a bar. I was with her the night she met him and immediately pegged the guy as “a player.” (In YP—young people—terms this means he likes all the girls and goes after what all the girls can or should give him. Get my meaning?)
My girlfriend was complaining that this “gem” never calls when he says he’s going to call; considers dates to be evenings at his place and in his bedroom; and won’t commit to outings with her friends. Now really…can my friend be this stupid? Yes she is! She said that “Mr. Player” told her how important she was to him and how much he cares for her. After I listened to her defend his actions for what seemed like hours, she asked me what I thought of him. “Be honest,” she said. Here we go again!
I started out saying that I really didn’t know him so I couldn’t give an opinion. That didn’t do. She wanted more. I tried a different approach. “If you have doubts about him, you should listen to those doubts,” I said. Didn’t work! She truly wanted my opinion.
I gave it to her. “I don’t think he treats you very well,” I said and tossed back the same reasons she gave me. She obviously didn’t like the truth, for it took a couple of weeks before I heard from her again. And yes! She stopped seeing him, or vice versa.
I’m done now with even offering a single word on one of my friend’s boyfriends. I’ll let them discover any failings without my help. At least, I hope I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut!
Comments
Here's a thought - what if you hadn't said anything and your girlfriends had stayed with the jerks? Maybe I'm taking this too seriously, but I'm thinking about how much I hate having people angry with me ... but I hope I'd be willing to tell the truth, have my friend angry with me for a few weeks, and then see the light, rather than develop a long-term relationship with a slimeball - much more painful in the end.
It does suck for you to be the honest one, but aren't you honestly doing good for your friends by doing so?
Posted by: Tina | October 27, 2006 11:54 AM
I think a lot of times we believe what we want to be true. I know that I am guilty of not taking friends' advice on guys when they were right. But I don't know what they could have said or how they should have said something that would have changed my mind. I had to figure it out on my own--you know, the hard way.
Posted by: Jessica | October 29, 2006 07:42 PM
I am a lot older than you, but the same thing is true for those of us in our 50s. I can take advise from people I trust even if it hurts. But keep me away from people who just hand out advise to satisfy their own egos.
Posted by: JP | October 29, 2006 07:46 PM