Asking for a Raise
The reason women are paid less than men for the same work is that women are less likely to ask for a raise. Listen, if I have two people performing at the same impressive level, and one asks me for a promotion every six months, guess who gets to advance more quickly? The one who gets in my face, of course. In my experience, men ask for more, so men get more.
This is the story I heard from a bigwig in my field during a professional development seminar in my last week of graduate school. I promised myself at that moment eight years ago that I would learn to ask for raises, but it has taken a long time to develop the techniques that produce the desired results.
Fake It Till You Make It
Many women feel like frauds at work anyway, so finding the emotional footing to ask for more of anything is hard. I have always felt like “they” are about to “find out the truth about me.” So the first few times I asked for a promotion, I got over my imposter anxiety by pretending that I was a man.
My model was a colleague who was about three years older than me. He was smart, funny, friendly, and always got what he wanted. When I had my first opportunity to ask for more, I channeled Kevin. I adopted his manner, his confidence, even his body language. I did not get the raise, but I was proud of myself for trying, and I knew I had the right to try again.
Finding the Right Words
It is essential to know in advance the words you are going to use when you ask for a raise or negotiate the terms of a new position. There are six that have served me well: “money is very important to me .” Here are some permutations that I have used with success:
- “That is a compelling offer. Money is very important to me, and the figure I had in mind was X. Do you think that we can come closer to that number?”
- When being recruited for a new position, I might say, “Money is very important to me, and is something I use to mark my professional development. In my last position, my salary was X. X plus would let me see the professional growth I am aiming for.”
- The next phrase that I’ll try is one I learned from my husband, who, as a consultant, is constantly negotiating price. “I charge a rate that will help us both place a high value on my work.”
And valuing my work is what asking for more money is about. The bigwig was right: men often ask for more. But the deeper part of the problem is convincing ourselves that we are worth more, and telling the world that we expect to be compensated accordingly.
Comments
What great ideas for asking for a raise. I, too, value money, and I know that if there is confidence and a belief in my value behind my words, I am more successful.
Posted by: Lisa Bean | October 23, 2006 10:49 AM
So true! I've made myself learn to negotiate higher pay than what I'm initially offered. I go to bat for myself each year at annual performance reviews.
Surprisingly, the two people in my office I've tried to coach into asking for more (because they are grossly underpaid) are both men. But they are shy, people-pleasing men (and I'm a woman).
I think the absolute most important day to negotiate higher pay is when you are accepting the job. Later you're more likely to get locked into certain percentage parameters to which your manager is expected to adhere.
K
Posted by: Kelly | October 23, 2006 10:21 PM
I'm TERRIBLE about asking for raises in the workplace--which is why I never got them! Now that I work for myself I'm finding it easier to state my hourly rate or project estimates without feeling like I have to apologize for what I need. I'm not quite at a point of turning down work if someone isn't willing to commit to my price, but I'm getting close!
Posted by: pink | October 24, 2006 08:50 AM