Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Breaking up is hard to do with anyone, but especially with a friend. When romance leaves a relationship, and life together is no longer meaningful or fun, couples often separate. This is not always the case with friendships. Breaking up with a friend, especially one who has been in your life for years, is one of the most difficult tasks to handle. The guilt is often too immense.
For years, a woman—a “friend”—has given me nothing but aggravation. She has told me how to raise my kids, what I should wear, how I should treat my husband, how I should decorate my house and how I should feel. She has butted into every moment of my existence and has offered criticism for every action I’ve taken. I’ve never, according to her perception, done anything right.
Luckily, she is just one person in my life. I have many friends who approve of me and like me just as I am. Most who meet me and get to know me believe that I can do just about anything I decide to do. They marvel at my good marriage, my successful children, and all the other things I’ve accomplished in my 60-plus years. With this wonderful support system, why is this intrusive woman still in my life?
I’ve never considered myself a weak person who lets others tramp all over me. I’m strong in my views and actions. So why can’t I dump “Mrs. Nasty-Know-It-All?”
A number of reasons have prohibited me from removing this obstacle from my life. She, after all, has been in my life for almost 20 years ever since I met her at church. Who gets rid of someone who shares your same religious beliefs? This, according to the Catholic nuns who indoctrinated me so many years ago, would be wrong. We must love everyone.
Okay…I can buy this, but I could love her from afar. Yet I don’t. I take her calls even when the caller ID shows me that IT’S HER!!! I do this because I know she doesn’t have any other friends. How can I leave her all alone with no one? I would feel awful. Besides, I’ve put up with her for so long, I’m used to the abuse. I can continue to handle it.
Wait! I’m the one who’s nuts! A strong woman wouldn’t have any part of this woman. I have to rid myself of the guilt and, in turn, rid myself of her. This would make my life a whole lot better. I’ll do this. I really will…but maybe not today. Tomorrow, for sure, or next week, or…
Comments
I usually just let friends go adrift. I wish I could make a clean break sometimes so that everyone knew what the problem was.
Posted by: Melissa | October 16, 2006 09:04 AM
I "broke up" with a friend last January. We actually had a phone conversation where I attempted to communicate my feelings towards her negative behavior towards me. This did not go well and I realized we were not going to resolve anything in that phone call. The important thing was that even though we were both angry and defensive, we said the things we needed to say. After that phone call, I went several weeks with the idea that she was no longer going to be in my life. However, something kind of unexpected happened; I missed her A LOT. The good points of our friendship were really GREAT points and I had failed to celebrate these when we were friends. By February, we slowly began communicating again and since then we have been problem free. We never had a serious sit-down where we confessed all our "hurts" and said our "sorrys" but we just both know now we never want to "go there" again. My point of all this is, communication, no matter what kind you can manage, can sometimes heal a friendship even when it seems like it is not worth it. Our friendship is stronger than ever b/c we have "been there" together and know we definitely don't want to go back!
Posted by: Stacey | October 16, 2006 04:42 PM
Just thought you should know I'm subscribed with bloglines and the RSS feed for this entry ran together with the one on Red Lipstick, something funny going on there.
I agree with Melissa, it's often easier to just let it your "friendship" slip away a little at a time. Try not picking up all her calls. You don't have to put up with her abuse, and you shouldn't have to suffer making the break either. Best of luck with it, and please let us know how it goes.
Posted by: Kimberley Rivero | October 16, 2006 04:42 PM
I've actually had to "let a friendship slip" because my friend (since 2nd grade) has spent her whole life coveting what I have (possessions, family, friends, etc.). She picked her college courses and lifestyle, job, etc. based on what she saw me do. She lives in the past, always dredging up memories of when we were little--but we are grown up now. She can't acknowledge that our lives have diverged and changed. Her terrible neediness is simply suffocating. It's a weakness on my part that I can't stand it, I know--so I just hold her at arm's length and communicate with her when I want to. She appears to have absolutely no interest in what my life really consists of, even when I've suffered through serious life events (husband's heart attack, child's disability, etc.). I've considered talking to her about all this (which I guess is essentially my personal problem), but I don't want to hurt her, so I've said nothing. I wish I could be honest, but in this case, I also think she wouldn't "hear." Sigh. I guess she really isn't a friend at all, maybe. And maybe I'm not hers, either.
Posted by: ET | October 17, 2006 12:25 PM
I like what Stacey had to say. One of my best friendships ended about 10 years ago. But after I got to thinking about it, I wondered if the friendship was all one-sided and I just finally realized it.
Posted by: Carol | October 17, 2006 06:34 PM