No Mind Reading
We had just settled into our new house. Most of what we needed had been unpacked, with a bunch of half-emptied boxes still sitting around. Many of these had gotten shoved into the dining room where they wouldn’t be underfoot. As the rest of the house shaped up into usable rooms, my husband and I kept saying we ought to move all the boxes to the basement and out of the way. One Saturday afternoon, while my husband sat watching a cooking show with our two children, I decided it was time the boxes were moved.
There must have been at least twenty boxes. I huffed and puffed each one from the dining room around the corner, down the fourteen steps, around another corner, and into the back of the basement. One by one, I lifted and pulled and pushed and lugged.
I was getting tired, but, by gosh, those boxes would be moved, every one of them. I stole glances at my husband in the next room, reclined on the sofa. I seethed that I was doing all the work. I bristled that he had not come to help me. The phone rang while I was in the basement and (the nerve!) my husband waited for me to get it! I dealt with the call and returned to my work as a martyr. The baby fussed and I walked over and found her something to play with. I even added, “awww, Baby Girl, these boys just can’t be bothered to help you.”
And I huffed and puffed and carried all of those boxes to the basement.
When the cooking show was over, my husband turned to me and said, “So what have you been up to?”
It hit me. He hadn’t noticed at all what I had been doing. He didn’t hear my huffs and puffs. He didn’t hear my groans and sighs when I had to run up the stairs to answer the phone. He didn’t get why I was annoyed to come deal with the baby. He was a man minding his own business watching a cooking show.
It was in that moment that I learned that my husband couldn’t read my mind. It sounds simple, but I had expected him to know what I needed and when I needed help. The fact was that I moved the boxes and my husband sat down to watch a cooking show. And if I wanted help, I should have asked for it.
Comments
I agree with you, yet I disagree with you. If my other half were lugging boxes up and down the stairs, I'd automatically jump up and help him, or at least ask if he wanted a hand. If my dear old mom sighs in exasperation (she's 87, so that happens a lot), I ask her if she wants help with whatever she's doing. The majority of women are somehow more in tune with their surroundings and the needs of others. The majority of men have this insane ability to zone out on whatever they're doing. Everything else around them becomes invisible.
So, yes, you're right in saying that you should have asked for help. But if he had just looked up and thought about what you were doing, wouldn't it have become apparent?
We're not asking anyone to employ extra-sensory perception: All we want is for them to have a better grasp of the obvious. Is that so wrong?
Posted by: Nancy | October 25, 2006 03:55 PM
I would have to agree that there is a big difference in the way men and women look at things. I think I realized in that moment that even though we are different, neither is wrong. There was no harm in him wantng to watch a cooking show. I think I was naive in thinking he would jump to his feet without me asking him to. As a side note, I think he felt bad that he didn't help me, he just didn't realize!
Posted by: Jessica | October 25, 2006 04:35 PM
It reminds me of the time when my daughter was about five days old. I was struggling with nursing, getting sleep, ect. I was in the bedroom with the baby when I heard the bath running. I opened the bathroom door where I saw my husband sinking into a nice tub full of bubbles and hot water.
"You are taking a bath!" I screamed at him, "how blankety-blank nice for you!" Then I cried.
Needless to say, he got out of the tub.
But I also understand feeling/acting like a victim when people don’t know what you want even if you have not told them.
Posted by: Carrie Bickner-Zeldman | October 26, 2006 07:20 AM
Jessica, you hit it absolutely spot on. Even though we are different, neither is wrong.
Both sexes have to learn that our partners are not mind readers. Never mind the "I shouldn't have to ask" mindset. Just ask.
Posted by: Nancy | October 26, 2006 09:49 AM
This is so true. I do think women tend to pay attention to the needs of others. Men are the hunters, prone to protect and get meat. Little do they think of the smaller issues at hand. I do have a hard time asking for help. But when I do, it really works. Amazing!
Posted by: JP | October 29, 2006 07:51 PM
Jess-
It's epiphanys like this that will make your marriage (and life) a long and happy one :-)
When we first fall in love we fall for the pieces of the guy that he presents. There are gaps in our perception of him, so we round up, extrapolate, and just generally fill in the gaps with what we think should be there--a lot of the times we fill the gaps in with pieces of ourselves.
As time goes on we get to see more and more sides of him --all of which are just as valid as the inital glipses.
Eventually we see so much of the real person that the pieces that we orginally supplied to fill in the gaps are challenged...and that's when the fun starts and you get to really know your guy...and yourself :-)
Your guy rocks; you rock; your family rocks. But you know, with all those rocks, the ride is going to be a bit bumpy from time to time /grin
Sooooo, what new dish did he learn from the cooking show and has he made it yet?
Posted by: Jana | October 30, 2006 09:01 AM
I read somewhere that girls are psychologists by nature. They are curious about life,relationships, about people and their minds. And as a result they like to pre-empt how a relationship would work, how a 2 year old baby would need her support, what her man wants to say (or maybe he didn't want to say it, but we assumed!;)..we're so fond of reading between the lines.. And so, while I feel a little bad when a guy does not 'read my mind' , so I'll tell him in black and white :( But I still feel lucky about being a woman, about being a sensitive person who sees life with a heart, rewards love more than logic!..But yes, don't huff and puff through the boxes by yourself, and if you have..ask your man to pamper you with the lovely recipe he watched on TV..Isn't that a nice way of settling scores?
Posted by: Rutu Goklani | December 1, 2006 08:35 AM