I have been picking at the dynamics of the problem for some time. A few years ago, before I was pregnant with my daughter, a slightly senior colleague pulled me aside, ostensibly to tutor me on the life/family balance.

“You see, Carrie, “she said, “The company likes women to have one kid. It proves that you are not an ice maiden. They frown on more than one because it makes them question your commitment.”

I sensed immediately that she was trying a psychological operations maneuver. So began a gradual realization that women often use the form of encouragement or advice to deliver a message that is meant to keep you in your place.

Up from behind

They are as competent as I am, but they seem so forthright and confident. I think that each generation of new women in the workplace has more deeply internalized the message of feminism. They seem to start the game with more confidence. For those of us who have already been working for a while, this comes off as aggression and we are threatened.

I understand now how my confidence must scare my female seniors, and how the inclination to pull up the ladder is a natural response to that fear. My job is to take a step back when I feel threatened, learn from my younger colleagues, and help us all move up a step or two.

If you believe that there is a sisterhood of women who want to help each other succeed, know this: the club is much smaller than you think, and a bunch of us are carrying fake membership cards.