I don’t know why I continue to be optimistic about most things in my life. I guess I’m just a “Pollyanna” who believes that everything will always be fine. I’ve learned the hard way, however, that no matter how positive my beliefs, things don’t and won’t always go the way that I would like.

A recent example of things not turning out the way I expected is my recent knee surgery. My husband and daughter vowed to take care of me during my recovery. Although they have failed in the past with their promises, I just knew that I would be in capable hands when I returned home from the hospital. In less than 24 hours I learned how wrong I was with my expectations. I discovered—for the umpteenth time—that I was living with two very crappy caretakers! Their insensitivity astounded me…but, if the truth be told, I should have known. Thirty years of marriage and 24 years of motherhood to my daughter, the baby of the family, should have taught me something. Ahhh! But there’s always hope! This time, I just knew, things would be different.

My husband and daughter were somewhat caring at first. My husband even offered to stay home from work—a rarity—to attend to my needs. Once he got me comfortably settled in bed, he was gone. No he didn’t leave the house. He went to the far reaches of our domain to make phone calls for work. If I needed anything, I was to call him on his cell. The next four hours he was missing in action. Never did he make an appearance in the bedroom to see if I needed something.

Continue reading "Crappy Caretakers!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 09:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

A car full of kids! Now doesn’t that sound like sheer misery? That is what I used to think when my kids were young and I spent most of my time carting them from one activity to another. I learned the hard way, however, that these car trips were so much more than an inconvenience. They were the thread that tied together the family. They were the confinement needed to really get to know my children and for my children to know their siblings.

My kids are all grown up. They drive their own cars and go in their own direction. No longer are they sitting next to me or behind me in the closeness offered in a car. No longer are they sharing their joys and their woes in the extended conversations that once flowed on road trips. This information now comes in snippets over the telephone…or in emails…or in far-too-rushed visits. I drive alone…or with my husband. Oh how I miss all the youthful energy combined with steady conversation that once filled the car!

Continue reading "Bonding in the Car" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 12:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Here is a problem that might be helped with some community wisdom. What have you learned the hard way about last names, especially for those of you in families where mom has one name and dad has another?

When Jeffrey and I got married, I legally changed my last name to Zeldman, but quickly realized that I needed Bickner-Zeldman as a pseudonym for professional reasons. I had been in my field so long that I did not want to lose my professional identity.

Then along came the kid, who is also a Zeldman.

It all works pretty well, except when we travel internationally, fill out health insurance forms or apply for copies of birth certificates.

Has anyone come upon a good solution?

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 05:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBacks (0)

When people are experiencing a medical emergency, you can’t always make them change their course of treatment, even if you think they might otherwise die. This is what I learned the hard way this fall when my mother suddenly became ill.

My mom is one of the people defining the new sixty. She is fit, active, energetic and hot. When she comes from Detroit to visit me in NYC, men turn their heads on the street to get a second look at her petite figure, beautiful white hair and mile-wide smile.

You would never guess that she had breast cancer five years ago, and you would never believe that she nearly died from congestive heard failure last fall.

But she did. Over the course of several weeks in August, her lungs began to fill up with fluid and she nearly died in the emergency room on Labor Day.

Continue reading "Sick People" »

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 06:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBacks (0)

When I was pregnant with my first child, I had some bleeding in the first tri-semester. I was worried that I was having or would have a miscarriage. I blamed myself for being in this situation. I must have done something wrong—maybe it was hanging the drapes or staying too long at work—for not carrying this baby well. I did what the doctor said. I stayed off my feet for a couple of weeks and everything turned out fine.

My daughter recently had a miscarriage. She, too, thought that she had done something wrong. After all, the word “miscarriage” implies that the baby wasn’t being carried just right. Her miscarriage came after a 10-hour car ride. “Maybe being in the car too long caused this to happen.” She was looking to me for answers. I had none.

Continue reading "“Miscarriage” Is Not A Good Word" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

It's not easy getting the most out of free time when you have a young family. When your kids are babies, there is usually a mad rush to sterilize bottles and eat something. But as your kids get older, naps get longer, and the household becomes easier to manage. Then the real challenge begins: what to do with significant blocks of time alone.

Continue reading "Getting the Most Out of Time Alone" »

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 07:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

"All good things come in threes.” This saying may prove true for some things, but when in comes to roommates and friendships groups, I’ve learned the hard way that there’s no charm in threesomes. There always seems to be two against one or, equally bad, one has to take on the role of mediator.

One year during college, I had two roommates. One of the roommates was—to say the least—difficult and living with her was not fun. I, however, took the attitude that this was only a temporary arrangement and I could live with “Miss Nasty.” My other roommate wasn’t so generous. She complained to me often trying to get me on her side. Meanwhile, Miss Nasty complained to me just as much about our other roommate. My life that year was miserable. I hated being in the middle. Never again, I told myself, would I live in a three-person housing arrangement.

Continue reading "Odds Not Good" »

Posted by Emily Prysby at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I learned the hard way that trying to travel life’s highway alone doesn’t always work. With a little help from above, my life runs a whole lot smoother. God recently blessed me with one of those everyday miracles that are often mistaken as coincidences. This gift saved me a whole lot of time and aggravation.

I had been driving for nine hours returning to Michigan from a visit to see my daughter, her husband and my precious granddaughter in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. To pass the time, I was listening to a book on tape. As I was approaching Toledo, I decided to take a break from the book and listen to music. The minute I switched on the radio a breaking news announcement reported a road-closing accident ahead of me on I-75 with the warning to take an alternate route. Just then—that very minute—right ahead of me was the fork in the road that would take me to Ann Arbor and around the accident. If the announcement had been a minute later, it would have been too late. If I had continued with my book on tape, it would have been too late. If I hadn’t been in the left lane that permitted the driver to take either of the forks, it would have been too late.

Continue reading "Miracle On The Road" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 07:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

With just two words from my daughter, life changed. “I’m engaged,” she proclaimed as she joyfully thrust out her left hand to show her dad and me the dazzling addition to her ring finger. Her fiancé beamed as his arm encircled his intended in a loving embrace. Smiles spread from them to us as we saw our baby girl, our sweet daughter, on the threshold of a new journey with her chosen life partner.

Continue reading "Something Old; Something New" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 08:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

My mother loved me. I have no doubt about this. But my mom just didn’t like me. Of her four daughters, I was the one who was “different…somewhat weird…not her type!” This knowledge wasn’t hearsay. She once told me—I was in my late 20’s—that although she loved me very much, if I were the next door neighbor, she wouldn’t invite me over for coffee. “You’re just not my type!” she said. (That’s what I got for asking!)

Continue reading "For Better Or Worse, She Was My Mom!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

One of the purposes of Things I Learned the Hard Way is to provide a place for women to share wisdom with each other. At 62, I’ve been fortunate to have acquired a great deal of wisdom over the years…much from others and some that came to me solely out of necessity. Today I want to share a discovery that served me well when my children were babies. It came to me in a “turning-on-the light-bulb-moment.”

Continue reading "Make “Dada” The First Word!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 10:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

An overnight getaway to celebrate our anniversary! That was what my husband and I planned. Our aim was to take in the fall colors and leave behind the telephone calls, the living-at-home daughter, and all of the other commotion that fills our home. It was to be a little romantic time with each other.

I went on the web to find a hotel/motel to stay in on our overnight jaunt. With the vast number of choices available, it was hard to make a selection until my eyes read the words “high performance beds.” This was what one lodging offered. Wow! I thought. This is exactly what we need! I got excited. It had been years since there had been any “high performance” in our bed. Maybe, just maybe, we would find it at this motel! I booked a room.

Continue reading "It Sounded Good!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 07:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Watching your parents get older is one thing; telling them that they are getting older is another. I have learned the hard way that it is something you should never, ever do. My comments about my folks' advancing years—although often said in humor—have caused some pretty ugly moments at our house.

Continue reading "Parents Get Older" »

Posted by Emily Prysby at 03:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I am usually a skeptic when it comes to hearing about bizarre things. I even check those urban legends websites when I get one of those “warning” and “this is really true” messages in my email in-box. In my experience, most things that are “stranger than fiction” usually are fiction.

I have learned, however, that some things that seem weird are true. “Myrtle the Fertile” is one of those things.

Continue reading "Myrtle The Fertile!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Periodically, this mother-daughter team, Emily Prysby (daughter) and Sandra Dalka-Prysby (mother), will bring their relationship challenges to Things I Learned the Hard Way. Their posts might help you reach some solutions with your own parent-child problems. This post covers the “She’s Back!!!” issue.

Mother: How excited I was. My daughter, my baby, was moving home. Finally—it took five years—she had graduated from college and she wanted to live at home, search for a job, and save some money. I thought it a great idea, especially since we were so close. I’d have my little sidekick home! How great!

Daughter: After five years on my own...

Continue reading "She Said; She Said... Moving Home" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 10:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

We had just settled into our new house. Most of what we needed had been unpacked, with a bunch of half-emptied boxes still sitting around. Many of these had gotten shoved into the dining room where they wouldn’t be underfoot. As the rest of the house shaped up into usable rooms, my husband and I kept saying we ought to move all the boxes to the basement and out of the way. One Saturday afternoon, while my husband sat watching a cooking show with our two children, I decided it was time the boxes were moved.

Continue reading "No Mind Reading" »

Posted by Jessica McCoy at 08:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

Breaking up is hard to do with anyone, but especially with a friend. When romance leaves a relationship, and life together is no longer meaningful or fun, couples often separate. This is not always the case with friendships. Breaking up with a friend, especially one who has been in your life for years, is one of the most difficult tasks to handle. The guilt is often too immense.

Continue reading "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 08:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

“So what’s it like being a grandma?”… “Don’t you just love being a grandma?” These questions came soon after the arrival of Charlotte Christine, my first grandchild, nine months ago. I didn’t know the answers then, and I’m still a novice when it comes to this grandma thing! But, I’m learning.

Little Charlotte arrived as a skinny little thing with a bruised head—the latter from hours of pushing by her mother. After her parents, I was the next to hold her. When I looked at the babe in my arms, my first thought was, Here’s the next generation! While I was trying to adjust to this overwhelming reality, I returned her to her mother’s arms. At that moment, the second, and most powerful, truth hit me. My daughter, my baby, was a mother! Forget this grandma thing. It didn’t even enter my thoughts on that special day!

Continue reading "Grandma!!?" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 03:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Sometimes, as parents, our priorities go askew. We crave for our children “to be the best” when our goal for them should be “to do their best.” I know from personal experience that the first “best” is more often than not unattainable. I learned, however, that the second is not only possible, but the tool that will help our children gain self-esteem.

When my son was a toddler, I wanted everyone to think that he was such an exceptional little human being that no other toddler could compare to him. This is what the other mothers wanted, so why not me? It was like there was a gigantic contest going on as to who had “the best…the brightest…the most advanced” child ever. Forget all the special qualities of each toddler. These were overlooked if the child wasn’t the best.

Continue reading "His Personal Best" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

I believe in miracles, and, because I do, they happen often in my life. Like many, for years I used the word “coincidence” to explain amazing happenings. I discovered, however, that there is little joy in coincidences. This is because they just are a fact of life. But miracles…now those are something else! Once I learned that they exist and are the work of my heavenly father, I became a whole lot happier.

To help you believe that miracles can and do occur everyday—you just have to recognize them—I will share some of the miracles in my life periodically here on the Hard Way.

One happened on July 31, 2004, on my daughter’s wedding day.

Continue reading "Everyday Miracles" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 12:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I decided that I would participate in a university study on memory loss and aging, but I keep forgetting to call. Oh well! I’ll have to remember to put it on my to-do list for tomorrow. Let’s just hope I don’t forget where I put the list.

Forgetting things isn’t just an advancing age thing. If I could remember all the things I have forgotten over the years, my life would have progressed far more smoothly. But that was yesterday. I am trying to do better and my to-do list has been a big help…that and my daily planner. (My to-do list and planner should be one-and-the-same, but I keep forgetting that I have one or the other!)

Continue reading "Oops!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 03:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Continue reading "First Think: Then Speak!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 05:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Continue reading "Get Moving!" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 12:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I finally got my daughter’s recent severe diaper rash under control. I absolutely hate it when my kid gets a bad one especially the summer kind, and I feel guilty for every moment that I am not airing out her little behind. In nature, I think to myself, I would let her run around al fresco. After all, diapers are a first world response to the fear of a little dirt, and our young suffer because we need to sanitize the most basic of human functions.

But I am not Jane Goodall, raising my young among the chimps of the Gombe Game Reserve, and I don’t want the kid to dump on my flokati rug. So I had to learned the hard way how to treat her dermal trouble and how to keep the rash from coming back.

Here is what I do: First, I attack the rash with the big guns: applying heaps and heaps of zinc based diaper cream (the white stuff) like Balmex or Desitin. You can even use some fancy variety with goat’s milk or organic aloe vera, as long as the stuff has zinc. I change the kid’s diaper as often as I can, loading on the zinc-based cream each time.

At night, and here is the thing I stumbled upon in a moment of genius that only of exhaustion and guilt can produce, I watch her as she sleeps on a Wee Wee Pad, the absorbing pads that people use for dogs that don’t go out much. They look just like the pad that the pediatric nurse uses to line a baby scale. It only takes about thirty minutes of airing for two or three nights. For the slight of mind (or for those who are temporarily stupid from sleep deprivation) be sure to observe your kid for this airing out period. They can roll off the pad and piss on the floor. Worse, the pads are backed with a light sheet of plastic and are not safe for the unsupervised young one.

Then, to keep the rash away during the hot months, I apply a smidge of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly now and then to keep her bum from becoming irritated a gain.

Posted by Carrie Bickner-Zeldman at 09:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I’ve never liked the saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Words do hurt. And I learned the hard way just how much they can hurt.

Prior to getting married more than 29 years ago, my future husband and I had a somewhat serious discussion one night after a few drinks too many. We wanted to know what would be the worst thing we would ever say to each other. He told me that he would probably call me a “bitch” and quickly added, “not that you are!” (Little did he know then that, at times, I was a good representative of this title. Of course, I didn’t tell him this at the time. I didn’t want to tarnish his image of me before the wedding!)

When it came to my turn, I shocked this good man, a widower, with the words I said. I told him that if I were ever really, really mad at him, I’d probably say, “No wonder your first wife committed suicide!”

Continue reading "Words that Hurt" »

Posted by Sandra Dalka-Prysby at 07:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)